also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
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Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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