I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
