2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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