A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
