Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
