I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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