Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
