so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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