Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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