Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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