On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
