The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
