OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
