i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
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The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
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I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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