Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Your cock deserves a montage
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
