If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
