I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
why is half of my head shaved?
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