In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
