i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
