Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
