yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Randomize
