dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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