my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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