If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
