im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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