I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
