you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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