Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Damn victory sex feels great
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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