Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Holy shit dude........stairs
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
