Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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