I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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