Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
