i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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