What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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