Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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