seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
