im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
