but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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