making cat noises will not fix the situation.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Send help, water and tortillas.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
