I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
