More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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