Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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