Your tits are I can't wait for
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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