Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
