my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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