My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
