Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
