When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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