Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
