You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
