I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
