All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
