I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
