if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
the condom got lost in my hair
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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