I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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