I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
