i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
MIDGETS
????
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
