So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
