We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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