Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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