Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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