so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
