so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
