She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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